I’ve been away and now I’m home, the mist this first September morning flecked through with cold, writing in bed and drinking coffee, my cat Acer purring between my legs, jubilantly happy in the way of well-fed toasty-warm cats.
The (brilliant) oncologist and the (amazing) surgeon and so many others (gratitude, gratitude, gratitude) eradicated the lymphoma in my body, chopped me up and stitched me together, exorted me on. Now, after a summer of learning to walk and eat and sleep again, relearning how to be a body in this world, existential questions propel me to a remote part of Vermont, seeking answers to the questions I’ve always had — what are the meaningful threads that hold this life, my life, together? For nearly a year, I’ve held the imminence of my death against my chest, a sputtering candle, and the questions are rubbed raw.
Because I am myself, too, always, I’m seeking the ending to a book I’m writing. And because this is the way my mind works, I’m seeking the details of cause and effect, how these stitches work into the whole cloth.
A friend loans me his tent. The first night, I wake freezing, hands knotted between my knees. I no longer have a once-cheery immunity against minor cold. I stumble down to the farmhouse, sit on the porch talking, drinking coffee. A stranger remarks that I looked chilled. I am cold down to my bones. He brews tea and offers me a steaming cup. I drink it quickly, heat, steam, strength.
“A world which increasingly consists of destinations without journeys between them, a world which values only “getting somewhere” as fast as possible, becomes a world without substance.” ~ Alan Watts
Stony Soil Vermont 
I love the quote!
It was chilly this morning indeed, I doubled checked the fields because it smelled like frost, but it was just an illusion of what’s to come.
Definitely more in the offing… soon.
The Specter of Questions
August 20, 2025 7:48am
Once again, in the gray light before dawn I lie in bed astounded that we are even here – that there is something rather than nothing – that in the black void before time began, matter should appear and evolve into beings whose chemicals drive them to war, greed, rape. Why did any of this happen? The ineffability of existence haunts me daily.
So why focus all my attention on this unresolvable question? Can we not also recognize beauty, love, joy and take some brief comfort? Yes, but even in that moment, the specter of the hideous crushing questions lies in wait.
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Even the cat has been feeling cold. We just put the heated mattress pad on the bed. I awoke well before dawn, much to the delight of said cat, fretting about how crazy the world is, how much harm is being done. It is the 70th anniversary of my life threatening, catastrophic case of polio and the body memories rush in, along with a wish that people got just how precarious and precious all life is. Please keep writing from that personal place in which you sit and see the world.
Keep the cat warm! Always nice to read your words.
I think one should be aware that cause and effect is a mind boggling task to figure out with so many possibilities to consider. As my blog alludes to , I turn to what’s relevant to me now.
Agree — definitely mind boggling.
Bites of solitude are so important to chew on, digest and assimilate our human experience. How wonderful that you had some time in nature to do that!
Alan Watts is awesome! His quote is a good reminder that our life is a journey, and if we speed through it, the only thing that awaits us is our demise. Slow down and savor the moments. Thank you for that, Brett! 💖
Thank you, fellow Watts lover. 🩵
Thank you for this and I’m thankful to hear you are recovering and healing! Millicent Flakehttp://www.maflake.com 706-260-8665
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