writing

Playing cards, considering remains.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 4 Comments

In the darkness, I slide the barn door shut. The world is redolent with cut grass, the wet earth where I watered grape vines. Embers flicker in the fire pit; low laughter moves through the night. June, oh loveliest June, endless varieties of leaf and blossom.

On a hike, we meet a stranger from Maine, and we swap stories about climate change and marriage. He sees my brother’s dog has no water, and shares what he’s carried for his dog. The afternoon gleams with storybook colors of emerald, cobalt, gold. We drive to the lake, to the general store, to a brewery where we sit outside. My brother drinks beer. My daughter and I sip lemon sodas from stemmed glasses, so sweetly yellow I imagine my hand cups sunlight.

I have my mother’s ashes in my possession. Our conversation bends back again and again to her ashes and her life, and the very different relationship that each of us had with her. Lacking a religious framework, I’m treading in open water. My mother, in fact, might have been fiercely opposed to the chain of circumstances that landed me keeper of her remains, or not. I am her second daughter, her match in stubbornness.

All day long, this tender beginning to June, we do the things we love to do. We drink coffee and eat buttered toast, play cards. The sunlight crosses over my house. The day is both chilly and hot. The days spin on, rich with the illusion that there is no finality. Mercy, I think, shutting the barn door to keep the raccoons from the recycling. Another day, the nightsongs of frogs serenading.

Unfathomable fortune.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 15 Comments

In the late afternoon, I listen to public radio and move firewood from the outside stacks into the barn, where it will dry again all summer until the autumn nights when I gather my kindling and birchbark. On Monday, the wood delivery guy will come again, with a load of green wood to dry all summer in the open air. Lord, I think as I stack, let the sun shine this summer.

When my daughter appears, I pull off my leather gloves, and we sit on the steps, talking about the Trump verdict. A hummingbird darts between us, onyx and ruby. Later, I’m driving north in the narrow Black River valley to hear GennaRose Nethercott read in the gorgeous old East Craftsbury church. In the parking lot, I join a few friends, talking talking about the verdict, another of these moments with a historic tinge. Crows peck in the farm field behind the church freshly harrowed up. The end-of-May evening is rich with a mixture of cow manure and lilac. Vermont loveliness.

19 years ago, my youngest was born. She fit perfectly in my arm, snuggled from my elbow to fingertips. I kept thinking, How is this possible?

A few days after she was born, the season’s first nubs of corn emerged through farm fields. To bring this child into the world, I had been cut and sewn by strangers. Here we were, our tiny family, a few days later, passing these fields on our way home from the hospital, me marveling at the season already passing from spring into summer, this six-pound baby miraculously given to us. 19 years later, when I return home in the dusky evening, we drink tea and eat almonds, talking talking, this great big world crammed full with so many things…. Enough said. For this day, our immense unfathomable luck.

In the edge…

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 1 Comment

Midafternoon as a storm threatens in, I’m at a stretch of lakeshore where I’ve never swum, and I push in. I’m on the prowl for an eagle, which I never find, and the day has grown muggier than I imagined.

What a month of May this has been. My mother’s death ripples through the amazing forsythia and lilac season, through writing and the steady complexity of work I do for the local Selectboard. At a nearby farm, I buy hothouse basil and tomato starts. A woman I know slightly strikes up a conversation. In the past, our lives ran on weirdly similar tracks, involving divorce, sudden visits from the FBI, the miasma of disorientation. Now, we swap mother stories beneath an enormous lilac. I breathe in the blossoms’ scent.

A few years back, I volunteered in my youngest’s elementary school classroom to assist with a nature program that the kids loved. Naturalist and artist, the teacher kept using the phrase “in the edge.” She pointed out that life thrives at the crossing borders of field and forest, of riverbank, the edges of a homogenous world.

I’m in the edge these days. May’s heat notwithstanding, the water is bitterly cold. I swim out with my lousy swimming skills, my garden’s dirt washing away, the storm clouds hammering together over the glassine water, some of the day yet to come. On the shoreline again, sharp stones gouge my soles.

Garden, fence, lilacs, vultures.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 11 Comments

Last spring, a late frost ate the lilacs, death-knelled a young apple tree. Not so, this year. All morning, I work on the back porch, the pollen sifting over my keyboard and laptop screen, the scent of lilacs surrounding our house. May is the brand-new season of pea shoots and asparagus, of peony buds and bleeding hearts.

In the late afternoon, my daughter finds me in garden and salvages the fence from bedstraw and witchgrass. Our garden abuts a town cemetery, fenced by metal and lilacs. On this holiday weekend, the cemetery is busy. As we work, talking, we spy folks wandering through, some tending graves, others gathering handfuls of lilacs or wandering about some other business.

I’m at the early summer gardening place of great good cheer: so much is possible this year. My daughter — a grownup now, but a young grownup — works easily and happily. We’ll share dinner soon, feed our two tabbies, and my daughter will disappear with friends and her swimming suit. I’ll walk into the cemetery and, lured by the scent of lilacs, keep on for a bit. The turkey vultures, maybe a few dozen, will circle low over my head. Then eventually I’ll head down to the village, and the birds and I will part ways.

In these early summer days, I think about my mother all the time. I live in a house that she visited only once. I live a life she did not understand at all. And yet, as I scissor bouquets of lilacs to bring to a friend, as I stand barefoot in my garden deciding to sow sunflowers here, plant basil there, I know these are things my mother loved keenly: the lushness of blossoms, the vim to create a garden.

Some news…

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 14 Comments

… in a year unlike any other year in my life (youngest off to college with the first year’s bill figured out, grating loneliness and joyous solitude, so much writing and small publications, a radiant writing residency, new friendships, and my mother’s death — say this again, my mother’s death) Regal House Publishing, an Indie press in Raleigh, picked up my second novel, Call It Madness, pub date summer 2026.

Chapter One

            I didn’t know what made my parents drive from Bellingham to faraway Vermont the summer I turned four. I had never met my great-grandfather Opa until that afternoon my mother rolled our station wagon down Breadseed Lane. Earlier that day, a stranger had helped my parents change a flat tire on the New York turnpike, but the spare was a misfit. For hours, our car had been thumping while I stared through the backseat windows at the trees and fields passing by, pondering the puzzle of that strange word breadseed. Could seeds blossom into loaves? We hadn’t stopped for lunch, and I was hungry. Was this Opa character cooking us dinner? Turned out, he was not.

Sips of May.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 7 Comments

As the spring dusk settles down, I’m wandering around the edges of my garden. The lilacs have just begun opening, a tiny four-petaled blossom here, another there, the remainder of that lavender flower still knotted, not yet relaxed into the wide open spring season.

I’m in my ragged jeans, dirt under my nails, when my neighbor pulls into her driveway and gets out of her Prius. She’s wearing what she calls her rag-bag dress, and the two of us make a kind of pair. I’ve known her since our oldest kids were babes in arms, not yet eating smashed carrots.

It’s been a year for each of us — and I mean that: a year. We both have college-aged kids in and out of our houses. Under the fragrance of pear blossoms, we immediately head into that long-running conversation we have about her work and my work, about writing and art, about aging parents. The half moon rises over my apple tree.

May, in all her radiant beauty. Here I am, with a hundred chores in one day — a hot water heater repair, more writing, plant arugula and Brussel sprouts, my constant fiddling with the wood pile, the daughter chat. How this Vermont world loves to green. Yes, and again, more, yes, yes.