writer

Tilt Your Head Up Towards the Sun.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 2 Comments

Happenstance or synchronicity? A remarkable thing happens: early afternoon, I’m walking around the 100-year-old building where I work, former schoolhouse, now town offices and a few random other activities. The building reflects a segment of rural Vermont: once built with pride, now crumbling, badly in need of care.

A balmy afternoon, I’m walking around the dusty parking lot. An impending cold is burrowing into my bones in the way of my post-chemo life, and I’m pushing back as I do, determined to finish this afternoon’s work. Someone I’ve met occasionally appears. It’s an exceptionally fine November afternoon, and I linger, talking, eating an apple. The conversation veers towards writing, and I mention I’m a cancer survivor. What do you know? Turns out, he worked on one of the drugs that saved my life. I repeat the drug’s name; he repeats it back to me.

I had a horrific reaction to this drug. Administered via IV, almost immediately a fist clenched my lungs and heart. The nurse cut it off instantly. For what felt like time-out-of-mind, I gasped, shook so hard the bed smashed into the wall, the nurses took my grown daughter of the room. The room was crammed with doctors and nurses who were bustling. I was so new to the cancer (just a few weeks before, I had been at work), that I begged not to have the drug. I’d taken all the other chemo drugs. Wasn’t that enough? It was explained, succinctly and clearly, that not one of these drugs was gratuitous. I know plenty of people who, for multiple reasons, distrust modern medicine. This was not my experience. Through the better part of a year at Dartmouth Hitchcock, the staff endeavored to make the treatment the most bearable for me, to keep me on the thin precipice between dying from cancer or perishing from complications.

Where I want to take this short writing is not back to the misery of enduring illness, but to the brilliance and goodness of people that lymphoma revealed to me. I survived, thus far, this disease because of the persistence of untold people who devoted their lives to medicine and the suffering of countless patients before me. I am also a woman who’s witnessed and written about the immoral and demonic actions of Big Pharma, particularly the Sackler family. This is all true. But in a nation driven to either/or, to the reductionism of labels and categories, this election offers the opportunity to pause, embrace again the better aspects of humanity, recalibrate ourselves to work that heals, rather than destroys.

We talked a little about Viktor Frankl. Then I thanked him, tossed my apple core into the forest, and headed back to work.

From Taffy Brodesser-Akner’s heartrending essay in The Best American Essays 2026.

How am I supposed to live? That’s my real question, maybe my only one. Am I supposed to enjoy the freedom that your survival and my grandparents’ survival has afforded me? Was I supposed to have more than these two children in response to the Holocaust, to replace myself and my husband and then replenish the supply of Jewish souls on this earth because the six million stories that were burned in ovens are real and more recent than I realized? … Was I supposed to do more than walk around unafraid and think to stop sometimes and tilt my head up toward the sun?

Cat, hand, breeze.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 4 Comments

Morning after the election, I stop in the food co-op on my way to work. The air is balmy sweet as early September; the light is November thin. Cheeriness this morning.

My car’s hatch is jammed with castoffs. My youngest is a college senior, and only now am I tackling a shifting around of our upstairs. It’s not a large house (there’s two closets on the second floor), but her first college year I pretty much missed her terribly, wrote and worked and wept. Then a year of lymphoma, a year of recovery, which brings beaten me to now. Imprinted in my bones is the memory that, two years ago, I couldn’t walk up my stairs. (Things went down from there, then up, fortunately.)

I open the windows in her bedroom. The warm breeze that smells of apples and wet wood drifts around my little cat sitting on the windowsill. My little cat thinks cat thoughts, or maybe not thoughts at all, but something wiser: pure perception of the pleasure of moving air on whiskers, of wonderment at a rustling in the dried leaves below, maybe a squirrel foraging for dried seeds in the flowerbed.

When I first became a mother, I was surprised at how the parenting landscape shifted constantly. Just when I figured out that I needed to raise things like boxes of empty canning jars above the crawling baby, the baby began running (she skipped the shaky walking phase). Now, a kind of relief at the normality of what I’m doing: ordinary empty nesting (ache, ache) and not profound disease.

I am a woman who appreciates a plan, even if the plans are going to break. Paint the walls blue? My cat mews for a caress on his chin. He and I sit on the windowsill for a long while. I let the words go. Cat, hand, breeze: these become one.

Dividing line: rivers running north and south.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 6 Comments

Lost, I spend a crazy amount of time on back roads, driving from here to there, searching for a house where I’ve never been. A porcupine ambles along a dirt road. I slow, the car windows rolled down, the sunroof open and dust drifting in. The quilled creature disappears into the roadside weeds. I follow the paved state highway north, a two-line twisting road that cuts through farm fields jeweled with blooming dandelions.

I find them, finally, this kind couple, and apologize for my lateness. Turns out, they’ve worried about me. We stand outside in the sunlight, with their little dog and their grown daughter who stops by, this witty and laughing family who has endured tragedy. We’re on a rise of land that overlooks a pond. We are at the dividing place, I learn, where water flows both south and north. As we talk on this old homestead, I sense the world’s expanse, how brooks and streams and thin rivers join immense lakes, powerful rivers, the mighty beast of the Atlantic Ocean. Around us rises the history of this homestead, how the house and family has grown and contracted and changed over the decades. Spread overhead, the gleaming night sky, the pinprick constellations.

Black flies chew my hairline. Post-chemo, my lost straight hair returned as ringlets. On my way again, I retrace my way through swamps dense with marsh marigold. On this sunny day, the trees push out new leaves, further, further, in these few hours. I return to a former school house, where the town is voting again that day on a failed school budget. People come and go, cheery with the spring weather. I stay late for a hearing and drive home under a blood-red sunset, the breeze through my car windows sweet with plowed earth and manure.

How furiously I labor to remain in this world. To savor the inevitability of lostness, the chance crossing of a porcupine on its solitary animal journey, the stunning May blossoms. Many months ago, I asked my brilliant oncologist what I did to invite lymphoma into my body. Vehemently, he replied that I’d done nothing, absolutely nothing, to cause this brutal disease.

This physician saved my ragged life, but do our philosophical planes align? Two years ago, as the cancer sunk its silent teeth into my flesh, those intertwined demons of fatigue and despair shook me, too. Always now, skimming beneath my days and nights, flickers that fear: relapse. I’d spent so much time, that winter of illness, in the Dartmouth ED that the nurses and MDs became familiar. They knew my daughters and I by name. The general surgery team appeared repeatedly in that huddle around my bed, and I began to understand the hues of that word restraint as they considered their surgeon thoughts. There was that dreadful evening when I informed the oncologist that I could endure no more, and he gently replied that I could. He would get me through. So I endured. Many years ago, when I was so young, 21 and naive and freshly falling in love, I whined to a professor that I could not finish my thesis; I’d done enough. He kindly informed me that someday I would write a book and I would fear I would never reach the end. All this, in fact, transpired.

Restraint and effusive joy. Sooty despair, the pleasure of a purring cat. As the night settled down through twilight, I drank tea on my back step, leaning against my house. A fox trotted across the violet-strewn grass, quickly, on its way. So much for monotone winter. Wild spring.

Dandelion 

The first of a year’s abundance of dandelions 

is this single kernel of bright yellow 

dropped on our path by the sun, sensing 

that we might need some marker to help us 

find our way through life, to find a path 

over the snow-flattened grass that was 

blade by blade unbending into green, 

on a morning early in April, this happening 

just at the moment I thought we were lost 

and I’d stopped to look around, hoping 

to see something I recognized. And there 

it was, a commonplace dandelion, right 

at my feet, the first to bloom, especially 

yellow, as if pleased to have been the one, 

chosen from all the others, to show us the way.

~ Ted Kooser

Risking Delight with the Lion

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 4 Comments

Precisely a year ago, to the day, Isele Magazine published my essay “Red Devil, Survivor Herself.” I had written all through the godawful cancer treatments, AKA chemotherapy, and publishing this essay marked my tenacious determination to remain among the living—and to remain a fierce writer, too.

Over the summer and autumn, “Red Devil” morphed into a manuscript-in-process. Recently, three more chapters were picked up. The kind folks at Isele Magazine published “Risking Delight with the Lion.” The following two will be published in different journals later this spring.

Here’s the opening of “Risking Delight.”

In my winter of chemotherapy, I woke at night, quivering. Where was I? What was happening? Gasping, I reminded myself that I was in bed, I was okay, that whatever demons had sought me in sleep had been banished by my waking. I didn’t blink my eyes open into peace. My breathing never eased into contentment.

Cancer-and-chemotherapy is a path of suffering, an involuntary hairshirt. The first morning I met my oncologist Dr. Valera in that Dartmouth-Hitchcock hospital room, I was surfacing, bleary and exhausted after an emergency admission and an exploratory surgery that verged on plunging me into a sedated coma. My daughters had been summoned through a snowstorm. What remained of my vitality was vanishing. Me or the lymphoma would triumph. There was no middle ground. Yet, that first morning, Valera assured me, “I can cure you.” Not cocky, not boastful, merely stripped down to facts: the lay of my body and disease, his skill and treatment course.

I clutched his words desperately, but I never repeated aloud, “This physician makes a claim that I will live.”

What was the levy I would pay for remission?…

Last… with the 2050: Vermonters Take a Swipe at the Future project, I’ll be reading at the Tenney Memorial Library in Newbury, Vermont, this Saturday, 4 p.m. Come!

Strange gift.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 3 Comments

A year ago, I couldn’t manage the three steps onto my back porch without holding a daughter’s hand. A reversal of those early parenting years when I held my toddlers’ teeny fingers as my children learned to walk and then, quickly, to run. A year later, my oldest and her partner load up our skis, and we head out for a seven-mile trek. I once thought idly of skiing, a mere pastime, nothing more. Now, it feels nothing less than miraculous.

A year ago, my daughters and the partner propped me together through the darkest months of my life. In those months while I endured chemo, little bits of lights and happiness trickled towards me, as if falling down an ancient stone-walled well. Sunlight in my living room, in the hospital halls, (never in the subterranean ER), flash of cardinals, the boxes of books and gifts of miso and cards and checks that kept me alive.

Post-ski, I feed my mewling cats and eat blood oranges, then lie on the couch and read Jonathan Buckley’s One Boat. I’m relaxed as if I’ve swum with a friend in a Vermont pond, and then we linger on the shore, talking about nothing and everything. But it’s February yet and snowfall is circling again. We’d skied from hayfields down into the forest and circled around and around. At one moment, I’d hit fatigue, where I wondered if I would emerge from these deeply snowy woods. It’s a place I’m now beginning to know intimately, where I know the life I clutch so fiercely can so easily slip away. I was reminded recently of Robert Frost’s lines that “the best way out is through,” a minute guide for human life. On this day, all the human things.

Lucky.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 8 Comments

August is exceptionally hot this year, the rivers so low they can be crossed by foot. In the woods, streams have dried to rock beds. In Montpelier, the state’s tiny capital, I walk by a store with bright bowls in the window and think, My mother would love this store. She passed over a year ago, and yet I still catch myself thinking that she might appear around a corner, her purse tucked under her arm, amused at me. Of course I’m not gone…

My father, the physicist, schooled his three kids early on about entropy. In a week where things repeatedly broke — the hot water heater leaking, the Jetta refusing to start in the rain — he made jokes that we were in a High Entropy Zone. So, this lovely August, with the chorusing crickets and the waning red moon — I’m determined to suck each day to its marrow. Sandwiched around work and the steadiness of washing dishes and so on, I’ve pushed aside space for swimming and ice cream, for lying under the apple tree and studying a spider spin her web. The entropy of living keeps on, as it does.

In the years when I was raising my own young daughters, our days zigzagged from bowls of blueberries to bath time. The days were endless, and the years rushed by. Now, my girls newly grown, I relish the silence and crave their company. Lucky I am, so lucky, to be alive this summer, this month, these days. All day long, I walk around with my tender heart cradled in my hands, wounded and raw from cancer, from weeks of hospitalization, from the knife of mortality pressed against my windpipe. August: the season of great loveliness, the intimation of winter. The reminder to love where and what we are.

Hitch Hiker at a Truck Stop

The hitch hiker asks to look at

the palms of my cold hands

and thanks me for unfolding them

on the frost-edged

picnic table between us.

While I look at his downcast eyes

trying to see if he sees,

nearby truckers stare

at his narrow face,

long blond hair.

He asks me if I garden,

rips a scrap of newspaper

and folds it up

into a tiny origami

package for anise seed.

Here, he says,

seed I gathered in Oregon,

plant it in Colorado.

I always have a garden, he adds,

I plant and leave to others.

He tells me he has no sex;

when you ride in the righthand seat,

you have to nod your head

without listening.

Face pressed to the window,

he can see the lacquered edges

of the earth.

So I imagine him 

practicing calligraphy

on truck windows,

recommending honey and vinegar

in a glass of water

every morning.

Mad, mad, mad.

A yellow warbler,

the moon at the bottom of the stream.

Out on the highway

he is raising his thumb again. ~ Mary Crow