memoir

Under a Thousand Stars.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 13 Comments

Walking home, I spy a smattering of white blossoms among a stand of pines, off the path. That short stretch is a strange area, more sand than soil, unusual on my Vermont hillside. Running theory is that someone stripped the top soil, years ago. Although I haven’t energy in excess, I’ve enough that I wander from the path. The blossoms are wild strawberries. Sweet mark of June.

For those not in New England, the common gripe is the weather. Every weekend, rain. Figures are tossed that there’s not been a fully sunny weekend since December; then I hear November. As for me, recovering, the days and weeks merge. Now, three weeks out from surgery, I’m easing back into work. The cats wake me at early light. In recovery, my old worries rekindle, but so does my drive and curiosity. I get up, eat cereal and maple syrup, brew coffee. I spread the manuscript of my fourth book over the kitchen table, cut, rearrange, stitch.

What’s changed, though, is a new slowness, a willingness to let the course of things unfold, to crouch beside those strawberry blossoms, wondering which birds will snag the tiny crimson berries. In a few weeks, I may wander here and sample this sweet delicacy. Half of this May, I lived in a hospital. Finally, I limped out the door with my brother. While he drove me home, I kept saying, “I’m out, I’m out,” and “The trees are leafing, the forsythia is blooming, the lilacs are opening.”

That surgery and that stay might likely have saved my life, again; and again, how immeasurably capable and kind was the hospital staff. Nonetheless, it’s June. The sky this morning is scrimmed over with smoke from wildfires. Under that dome, I have work to do. A friend will visit. I’ll move through this day, this Wednesday, happy.

I want to lie out

on my back under the thousand stars and think   

my way up among them, through them,   

and a little distance past them, and attain   

a moment of absolute ignorance,

if I can, if human mentality lets us.

I have always intended to live forever;

but not until now, to live now.

~ Galway Kinnell, “The Sekonk Woods”

“You got a God.”

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 6 Comments

Years ago, I ripped out a photo from the New Yorker of Marina Oswald taken the morning after her husband assassinated President Kennedy. She was hanging diapers on the clothesline, her face scrunched in misery. It was 1963, the realm of cloth diapers, and she had two babies. I tacked the photo on my wall.

No assassins in my household. Yet, as I described to a friend, I’m healing from chemo and surgery while the dailiness of life tugs me onward. In some ways, this is a relief; I’m utterly grateful to be in the world where I hand over my credit card for groceries, rise in the night when my daughter returns from work to ask about her hours. I order firewood, problem-solve our broken car scenarios. It’s triage and logistics, a math problem.

This May, a cold spring, snow yesterday all day in the New Hampshire White Mountains, I read through the mail. Make one phone call. A colleague stops by. My daughter makes grilled cheese, slices avocados, rims the edges of my plate with peanut butter cups. My brother texts, my sister calls, reminding me to eat, eat. In all this, I open the Grapes of Wrath, join hitchhiking Joad, and eventually sleep in the wood stove’s warmth. I dream of our lilacs who hold their buds closed against this cold, the Joad corn in the 1930’s, buried in feet of dust. Through my dream washes the rain against our windows, the purple and white violets studding our overgrown grass. Time and place and season sift like a jumbled dump cake.

When I wake, my cat Acer lies purring against my foot, contentedly grooming a dainty paw, supremely confident of an imminent dinner and another toasty night before the beloved hearth.

Memorial Day weekend, when we always invite friends and neighbors for an outdoor dinner. Not so, this year. The pieces in my life, my family’s lives, shift, rearrange, mend. Slow healing, slow domesticity.

From Steinbeck: “You got a God. Don’t make no difference if you don’ know what he looks like.”

The Essentialness of Beauty.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 25 Comments

A numberless day in my hospital stay…. I’ve noted the passing days by the perennial garden below my window. Each of these gauzy rainy days, the greenery brushes out further. The crabapples bloom. On the hillside, emerald stretches over branches, a multifaceted palette of leaves.

As for me — survived this surgery (hurray, yes) — and I’m now cared for by family who cycle in and out, messages and emails and gifts from friends, kind and competent hospital staff. My great thanks to readers to have reached out to me, or simply read my words. Surgery, indeed, for a laywomen like myself, is an oddity. Scalpel to flesh cannot be an everyday occurrence in a life. I relied on the surgeon’s precision. Grateful, grateful, I am for these skills. Soon, I’ll be home again, in the everyday world of my bright kitchen, our cozy front porch, garden. The lilacs will bloom.

One of our house’s great gems is the lilac bushes that span three sides, in varying lengths. The first spring we lived here, I invited friends for dinner. They got out of their car and stood in the driveway, reveling in the lilacs’ perfume.

While here, I picked up a copy of Loving Frank, Nancy Horan’s fictionalized love story of Frank Lloyd Wright and Mameh Borthwick, which ended in a horrific tragedy. Here’s a line from the incomparable Wright worth thinking over: “The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. If you foolishly ignore beauty, you will soon find yourself without it. Your life will be impoverished. But if you invest in beauty, it will remain with you all the days of your life.”

Don’t these greens taste good…

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 21 Comments

My oldest daughter attended preschool for a year on the second floor of a Unitarian Church in a little village on a pristine glacial lake. The village is heavy on the white clapboard quaintness. To get to the town, we drove through acres of farm fields. In May, the fields gleamed with dandelion gold. The merry month of May: bumblebees and blossoms. Revel on…

My daughters visited me yesterday at Dartmouth, a repeat that’s become bizarrely routine — a repeated I’m determined to break. They came bearing gifts of peonies and good cheer. Sunday, we wandered through the wide and mostly empty halls. The hospital is designed to pour natural light into the building, and the sunny afternoon showed its success. We admired the blooming crabapples and wandered through garden courtyards. I gathered more reading material.

I rarely post photos of myself, but here’s me, in my daughter’s sweatshirt, in a photo snapped in an elevator. Dandelion from the youngest tucked into my zipper.

The First Green of Spring

Out walking in the swamp picking cowslip, marsh marigold,
this sweet first green of spring. Now sautéed in a pan melting
to a deeper green than ever they were alive, this green, this life,

harbinger of things to come. Now we sit at the table munching
on this message from the dawn which says we and the world
are alive again today, and this is the world’s birthday. And

even though we know we are growing old, we are dying, we
will never be young again, we also know we’re still right here
now, today, and, my oh my! don’t these greens taste good.

~ David Budbill

And another turn in the plot…

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 40 Comments

My body falls apart again, and my daughter drives me to Dartmouth. “My car only goes to this ER,” she tells me when I hint at negotiating a closer ER. She asks her blunt and even-toned questions, “What are you afraid of?”

Among other things, I’m afraid of waiting, in pain, which is what happens, and I survive that, of course. The hours in the ER waiting room introduce us to an intimate slice of others’ lives. The man who drove a screwdriver into his hand and didn’t seek antibiotics (not a good choice), another who crammed his hand between his two fighting dogs (the hand lost), a woman with a damaged foot who phones her mother on speakerphone. Across the large room, listening, I wince at the painful distance in that relationship.

Eventually, I’m given a bed in what’s labeled Hall 3. Shift change, a kind nurse hustles to give me meds. In the hallway, we are yet in the swirling mix of others’ lives. A hall mate (not a roommate) who I never see but who’s recently widowed; his companion struggles to figure out his meds. Later, my daughter steps outside and sees a prisoner who’s a patient run through the parking lot, high drama. She leaves after midnight. “Drive safely,” I say, “text me when you’re home.”

In the night, the surgeons stop in, and again the next morning, when the surgeons and the Good Doctor my oncologist meet in my room. Like a rushing train, surgery is coming rapidly and unavoidably towards me. Much as I’d rather not, really rather not, I begin to accept this. I think: get my tools together to survive this. Print out my manuscript, collect books and a knitting project. In all these countless hours in varying hospital rooms and hallways, I’ve never been bored. Frustrated and weeping, laughing and curious, but never dull. Another thing to be grateful for.

I’d rather not, but here’s another bend in my story, as with my hall mate and waiting room companions…

Spring, in all her variations.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 14 Comments

In the dark, the robins chirp, their language weaving night to dawn to daylight. Imagine, a whole season of birdsongs ahead. Or, I remind myself, quit stretching into the future. Simply listen.

Word around northern Vermont is that the spring is stuck. Days with thin ribbons of chilly sunlight. Drizzle and damp. In my wool hat and sweater, leather boots, I pull out the broken branches beneath the mock orange. Last winter’s heavy snow slid from the roof and snapped the brittle branches that should have been trimmed, anyway, last year. Against the house’s southern foundation, a cluster of white violets blooms. Every morning, the green pushes forth. The Japanese lilac I planted last April brushes out. Red stalks of peonies emerge. The tulips hold their plump buds closed, teasing, tomorrow, tomorrow.

But in the realm of today, today, each day I feel the chemo less in my body. Yesterday afternoon, in my fifteen-minute house tidying, I suddenly realized that my body has been cycling through chemo for six months. Before that, I’d been (ignorantly) filled with rapidly growing cancer. Now, walking barefoot around the house, the cats lazily watching me from their perches on couch backs, I realized what was different was that my body felt like mine again, me, the way I’d forgotten as familiar.

In alignment with that strand of my good news (apparently in opposition to what’s happening with arts funding on the national level), here’s a line from Dostoyevsky’s Prince Myshkin I read this morning: “Do you know I don’t know how one can walk by a tree and not be happy at the sight of it?”