#bodykeepsthescore

Town Plow, Wind Chimes.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 3 Comments

Orange lights from the town plow sweep through my house, followed by the truck’s backup beeping. While I’ve been reading, the rain has fattened to snow. I stand in my kitchen, listening to the truck, wind jangling chimes hung on my back porch. All last winter, enduring through broken-sleep cancer, the plow’s whirling lights and safety backup were constants, a reminder that I was not the only one awake in town.

Again, winter.

I switch on the porch light and stand outside. Snow falls in infinite ways. This is not lacy and lazy flakes but dense wet bits. Quickly, quickly, the snow streams down. A new set of chimes this winter — not a replacement but a fresh voice for counterpoint — would be wise. This place no longer smells of broken leaf, damp earth, fragile fallen leaves turning to rot. Unstoppable, the falling snow shimmers in the lamplight, background of childhood delight.

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In the rear-view mirror suddenly
I saw the bulk of the Beauvais Cathedral;
great things dwell in small ones
for a moment.

Adam Zagajewski, translated from the Polish by Czeslaw Milosz and Robert Hass

September 1.

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 4 Comments

Geese are bunching together and flying south. They’re hightailing it out of Vermont, following their instinctive, ancient pathways.

My youngest and I eat dinner on the back porch — chard and carrots dumped into noodles, stirred with spoonfuls of a chili garlic sauce. I ask about her first days as a high school junior. As I listen, our littlest cat pushes his nose against the screen. It’s growing late, and there isn’t much daylight remaining. When she leaves for a walk, I wash up our few dishes, listening to a podcast my father emailed.

How utterly complex this world is.

Afterwards, I wander out with the compost bucket and then stand in the garden. The sunflowers are crazy tall this year. Also, utterly amazing.

“The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves.” 

― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Garden, Hardwick, Vermont

Inner Glimpse

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / Leave a comment

Researching an article I’m writing, I read about family patterns through generations. These wintry days, I see evidence in my own family. My parents never considered booking tickets to Florida, as I never considered with my daughters. Hence, we are not a family posting social media images this break from faraway beaches or warmer climates. Money and economics are a piece of this, obviously, but I suspect there’s a wider orientation to the world here, too — which makes me inevitably wonder what it is I’m passing along to my daughters, consciously or not.

In multiple ways, that Socratic phrase — Know thyself — has resurfaced in unexpected places all through my life. Recently, I spoke with a woman about her birth doula. When I hung up the phone and finished a few notes, I stared out my window at a light snow drifting down through the adjacent town cemetery, sparkling in a bit of sunshine that had pushed through overhead clouds. Know thyself was essentially the doula’s advice, an impossible, nearly koan-esque puzzle. How interesting, I thought….

One day he told me that he’d spent his adulthood trying to let go of his past, and he remarked how ironic it was that he had to get closer to it in order to let it go.

― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

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Granite cutting shed, Hardwick, Vermont