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Early Corn

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / Leave a comment

When I left the hospital ten years ago with my newborn daughter, June had arrived while I spent those days in the birthing center.  Every day that May, it had rained, cold rain and humid sticky rain, all day rain and brief passing showers.  Every variety of Vermont rain had stormed that month:  a rainy season to cap a pregnancy that, by its end, I felt near to drowning with its effort.  Walking up the stairs, I had to linger on the landing and gasp for breath.  Sleeping, I startled wake, choking for air.

But when we left, we drove past black-soil farm fields freshly plowed.  In regular furrows, early corn had sprouted during those few days of my confinement.  The pregnancy over, my healthy and whole infant in my arms, I was jubilant, and the earth herself appeared rapturous.  That summer proved especially dry and hot.

On this Memorial Day, May 30th, a day of sadness beyond sadness, here’s a David Budbill poem from Happy Life:

Early June

Hard rain all night
morning rags of mist
hang scattered
between the
blue-green hills.

photo by Molly S.

photo by Molly S.

Sailing

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / Leave a comment

Just about ten years ago, I gave birth to my second child.  Like I imagine death, birth is a sacred space, and by that I mean nothing with a blue aura and a mandala on the wall, but a space that is wholly out of secular time.  When I labored with my first child, I had to travel so far to get her.  The geographical map of her birth was only a few rooms, but the journey for her to arrive in my arms, squalling and ruby-lipped, was beyond measure.

As my daughter begins traversing her own female journey, I tucked in a poem among her treasured birthday cards.  This poem has the quickness of a child, coupled with maternal blessings.  Poetry, in its own sacred territory, is a litany to murmur in the soul’s dark night, a comfort and conjoining between people, a radiant gift to offer a beloved child. Here’s Lucille Clifton:

blessing the boats
(at saint mary’s)

may the tide
that is entering even now
the lip of our understanding
carry you out
beyond the face of fear
may you kiss
the wind then turn from it
certain that it will
love your back
may you open your eyes to water
water waving forever
and may you in your innocence
sail through this to that

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Salt, Not Sentimentality

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / Leave a comment

Every afternoon, I drive to pick up my younger daughter at school, and just as I leave the small town of Hardwick, right where the wetlands begin, I pass the construction site of a Dollar General store.  Apparently, the presiding view is that the town needs more cheap stuff.  I wouldn’t presume to criticize what people are or are not buying, but it’s worth noting that the outer landscape of Hardwick has appreciably changed.

In Vermont, landscape is a word often bandied about as if landscape is background for work or play — the landscape with Jersey cows mentality — but landscape is the point, as the cows, and the maples along the dirt roads, and the ridge lines, are actually inseparable from who we are.

This Dollar General feeds a real appetite in our society, this need to consume stuff, a great deal of it, and preferably as cheaply and abundantly as we can.  It’s an ugly aspect of our society, disguised and ameliorated somewhat by its genericness.  Richard Yates, in one of my most favorite novels, Revolutionary Road, wrote “this whole country’s rotten with sentimentality” — this notion of flatlining the culture under the Almighty General of the Dollar.  Writing — art — by and large pursues the antithesis of what capitalism champions, which is perhaps why art and literature are so belittled and disparaged in our society.  But to adhere to this generic status quo, to feed ourselves commercial products from boxes and cans rather than what grows in the farm down the road or in your own window boxes, to judge ourselves in terms of tax brackets, or nourish our inner lives with dullness, diminishes us.  Revolutionary Road epitomizes the longing of Frank and April Wheeler to break out of the constraints of upwardly middle class American life — to follow their hearts’ desires in opposition to everyone around them — and depicts the Wheelers’ crushing failure to achieve this.

But, unlike the suburban Wheelers, I luckily live in Vermont.  I drive up the narrow, shaded gulch, pass two slivers of lakes, and then I’m in the little village of my town. Architecturally, the elementary school is a far distance from the dollar store.  Over a hundred years old, no public elementary school would be built like this today, all wood and windows, with two enormous brick chimneys, and pressed tin interior walls.  The schoolhouse is dropdead gorgeous, built with craft and care.

All buildings, in their own ways, have resonance and depth, holding the stories of their people within them.  But this lovely schoolhouse hums with beauty, too.  Does this landscape of light and wood matter to my child?  This setting in a literary world?  Here’s how deeply this landscape presses into my child:  when I see my girl at the end of her school day, I often touch my face to the top of her head and kiss her.  All day we’ve been apart, she to fourth grade, and I at my work.  My daughter’s hair has the colors of a wheatfield, myriad and rich, lighter with sun strands in these warming days.  All afternoon and into the evening, her hair has one distinctive scent.  My older daughter says, Crayons, mom, it’s crayons.  All elementary schools smell like that.  But it’s not crayons.  In my kitchen I have a mason jar of good salt, pink-hued, and every night, cooking dinner, I unscrew that jar and add salt.  Salt:  the mineral Gandhi used to launch a revolution.  The mineral vital to human life. When I kiss my daughter’s hair, breathing in her day, that’s what I smell:  salt.

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Of the Green Light and One Pig

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / 2 Comments

My younger daughter had a concert at her elementary school tonight, and I made the older daughter attend, too, which made her complain, as she has pages upon pages of The Great Gatsby to read.  How could I argue against reading Gatsby, one of my most favorite books (and hers, too), and yet I insisted.  Music and literature, I argued in one of my most annoying mother versions.

I’m reading Maureen Corrigan’s So We Read On:  How the Great Gatsby Came to be and Why It Endures.  (Yes, it’s true, I confess I hear Maureen Corrigan’s NPR voice as I read this book.  You will, too.)  She writes:  “… during the years he was living in Hollywood, Fitzgerald would try to buy it (Gatsby) as a gift for friends, but when he went into bookstores and asked for The Great Gatsby, he’d be greeted by blank looks.”  Imagine that, a novel now ubiquitous in American literature courses — if you’ve read nothing else, you’ve likely read The Great Gatsby — and yet the author in his own lifetime often couldn’t purchase his own novel.

Which leads me back again to all that we see is but a portion of our reality.  What is inherently true and fine in Fitzgerald’s book was lost for a bit in the shuffling scrim of a society plummeting from the Jazz Age into the dusty Depression, and yet this book, American to the core, devoid of sentimentality, surfaced.

I first read Gatsby at the same adolescent age, and what fun it is to talk with my daughter about that novel, the green light, and Daisy — whom my daughter has far more sympathy for than I do — and the watchful eyes of Dr. Eckleburg.  As a teenager, I read this book more as a puzzle, how to fit images with characters, match them up with themes, and write an essay.  As an adult, I love the language’s beauty; I’m mystified by its marvelous craft; and yet I read a genuine ugliness in Fitzgerald’s American landscape I wholly missed as a teenager.  These layers upon layers:  writing reflecting life.  Parenting a teenager pushes you into those depths, makes you head out into the cooler part of the lake, and give what you thought was solid ground a second, third, even a fourth look. Socrates, after all, wouldn’t have abided with the status quo.

And yet…. our world really is often a mystifying realm.  Think of Fitzgerald and the booksellers’ blank looks.  This book, so labored upon, came upward again.  In contrast, my younger daughter, after she read a chapter in Charlotte’s Web tonight, leaned her cheek on the book and remarked, I hope this isn’t a sad book.  I like that pig.  To this, at least, I could honestly say, I think the pig’s going to be just fine.  Gatsby’s green light will forever hover terribly out of reach, but Wilbur at least will still be standing by his trough, nose up to the wind, happy.

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Why Read Literature, Anyway?

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / Leave a comment

For my seventeenth birthday, my dad gave me a slim copy of Point of Departure, a slim collection of nineteen stories of adolescence.  That was back when you could buy a paperback for a buck and a half, read the book over and over, and the pages wouldn’t fall out.  Thirty years later, I still have this book.  Some of these stories I read over so many times, I could reiterate passages.  “A Summer’s Reading” pointed me to Bernard Malamud.  Even though I didn’t grow up in a city, I could envision myself, like the main character, George, skulking around the nighttime summer streets.  Updike’s “A&P”? What I wouldn’t have given to have sashayed through those aisles.

At seventeen, I was fortunate to have the world seem so inherently possible.  The options for my life were so manifold and mysterious, and, frankly, much like my own adolescent daughter now, I couldn’t wait to step into my future.

But two scenes in these stories resonated most powerfully, and tonight I found them immediately.  One was in a Saroyan story, “Seventeen.”  At the story’s end, the mother calls to the father that their son is crying.  The boy had a profound experience of grief and uncertainty — “the impossibility of laughter” — and the mother realizes their son is entering adulthood.  The second scene concludes the Nadine Gordimer story, “A Company of Laughing Faces.”

The girl heard, but felt no impulse to tell her mother — knew, in fact, that she would never have the need to tell anyone the knowledge that had held her secure since the moment she looked down into the lagoon:  the sight, there, was the one real happening of the holiday, the one truth and the one beauty.  

This one truth and one beauty, assuredly, is not a photo-opt view of the Grand Canyon or a rosy sunset; the girl discovers a drowned boy in a lagoon.  These stories center on adolescents who experience a complex shift in paradigm, from childhood’s relatively cosseted innocence to the substantially more dynamic range of adulthood.  Yet, in each of these nineteen stories thrums the heartthrob of beauty.

That’s my two cents on the appeal of literature:  relentless quest for wisdom suffused all the way through — even when it aches — with beauty.

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Becoming

/ Brett Ann Stanciu / Leave a comment

This clayey soil, so poorly suited to vegetable farming, and yet:  here I live.  Just a few years back, this was a forest of mixed hardwoods, an understory of ferns and trilliums and trout lilies.  We cleared this patch, picked a mountain of stones, pulled roots that fiercely clung to their ground.  This patch of earth has endured six consecutive seasons of lime, manure, alternating cover crops of peas, oats, buckwheat.  My efforts with shovel and compost yield good results, but this will never be the midwest’s fabled topsoil.

Our guests on this Memorial Day, first time visitors to our house, were gracious, companionable, and — best of all — engagingly funny.  Fine croquet players, too.  Walking through the garden and its evening black flies, they said they could see how beautiful the garden could be.  Listening, I realized how all in my head my garden currently lies.  These early leaves of broccoli plants, these carrot seeds, the pea fences, the bean poles, the tomato plants just nestled in their beds, the basil hardly more than scraps of green debris.  A month along, and this story will be wholly different.  Knee high much of the garden will be, the peas beyond my waist.

But for now, this is all rough potential, a lumpy pile of manure, the arch of the sunflower house not yet sown, the sweet peas that by July will trail fragrantly over this half circle not yet germinated.  Faith is in the potential, sown in the experience that becoming will persevere in becoming.

Gardening, nothing is as simple as bury a seed in the soil and gather a handful of sweet peas X number of days hence.  Too much or too little rain, weeds, insects, animals, a running toddler, all create havoc with this orderly plan.  Or, my orderly plan.  The universe has perhaps an entirely different notion altogether.  Which made me think of this line:

…. emotions are essentially physical forces, and if they seem to express themselves at the strangest moments, it is because, like physical forces, they must sooner or later emerge….  (Allen Shawn, Twin)

In this spring season of raw, harrowed up earth, what will emerge from my garden soil? In writing, what will emerge from a rough draft, if I sow seeds and step back to appraise? What’s different from what I had intended?  Have pumpkin seeds from the compost volunteered into the brassica, determined to take root?  I opened my garden gates for these new neighbors, the youngest of this family a little boy who repeated one of his few words over and over tonight:  look, look, look.  Look, I whispered to my daughter tonight, brushing my finger over the line on her upper arm where her skin turns from white to nut-brown from her playing hours in the sun.   In what ways will these newly-met people shape and turn our lives?

What is essential is invisible to the eye.  This piece of Vermont earth has thawed.  A gentle rain falls on the tin roof outside my opened window.  The universe, seen and unseen, shifts.

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